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| New (real) online journal here: Journal | | |
| After a brief hiatus, it certainly is good to be back to my old Xanga site again. It appears that I fell into a deep sleep one summer afternoon after playing a game of ninepin, and had only awoken earlier today. I awoke on a green knoll and thought, “surely I have not slept here all night.” Imagine my surprise upon discovering that my beard had grown over a foot long! I then realized that it was not a beard at all, but an empty bag of Cheetos that had somehow gotten stuck to my chin. And I wasn’t on a grassy knoll; I had merely fallen asleep on the living room carpet. In either case, I decided it was about time I updated the ol’ Xanga journal.
Well, seeing as this is the first journal entry of ’04, I think it’s only fitting to ring in the New Year properly. I’ll break out a bit of the bubbly, and we’ll all gather around to watch that giant ball drop. Unfortunately it’s late September, and all I could find was this old cup and ball game made out of tinfoil:
I guess it will have to do. Anyway, my New Years Resolution for the year is to become a certified ninja master by the year’s end. It’s going to be so awesome once I can do all of that awesome ninja stuff, like throw ninja stars at my enemies, go on secret ninja missions, fly, and learn the Tiger Uppercut and Yoga Flame. You may laugh now, but I already have a head start on my training. You see, an elderly man of Oriental descent has moved into a house a few blocks away from me, and has agreed to teach me everything he knows about the martial arts. He already has me in an intense training program, where I’ve been hard at work sanding the floor and painting the fence. One day you shall all behold my awesome ninja splendor, make no mistake.
And on that note I would like to conclude this entry and wish everyone a very happy 2004.
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| Well, now that my journal is sparklingly clean, the fan mail has been pouring in. First letter today:
Dear Kevin,
I think you have the shiniest, cleanest Xanga journal around. How did you ever get it so clean?
-Mr. Clean&trade
Dear Mr. Clean,
I must say that it is an honor to receive this kind of praise from such a prestigious registered trademark like yourself. Actually, I just used a little Brand X&trade on my Xanga site, followed by The Leading Brand&trade to top it off. It works wonders, believe me; very underrated stuff. I get stopped in the street by little old ladies who tell me how much nicer my Xanga site is now, to which I reply, “who are you and why have I not received any e-props from you?” I just love little old ladies...
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Dear Kevin,
So where IS the self-destruct button on your journal? Can I see it? Please? I’m not gonna push it and blow up the journal, I promise. I just want too see it. And maybe feel it. But I won’t push it, I promise. But if I do, it’ll only be part-way down, so it doesn’t blow anything up.
-A kid who really (really) likes buttons
Dear Kid,
You seem like a trustworthy fellow, but for some reason you make Melvin a bit nervous. Honestly, I don’t know what that monkey’s problem is… I think he has some trust issues to work out. He’s been like this ever since his parents sold him to my Xanga journal for a bushel of bana- errm, I mean, uh, yeah. I’ve said too much. Next letter.
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Dear Kevin,
omg i am so confused i dont know what to do>>>>>help!! like my best friend hates me! cuz she thinks i am best friendz wif sum1 else.....what do i do?!?! well i have to go eat my m&ms! so ttyl love ya all! bie
~*kayla~*
Dear ~*Kayla*~,
I want to answer your letter, I really, really do. However, my spell check is screaming in agony and threatens to go on strike if I don’t move on to the next letter immediately. So on that note…
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Dear Kevin,
What would be the best way to raise a kid? I’m having a bit of trouble with mine and was wondering how you’d handle this type of situation.
-A Parent Who Doesn’t Want To Screw Up Junior
Dear Parent,
You seem like a good, responsible parent, so I’ll give you some fatherly advice. Make sure that Junior gets three square meals a day, and take him for a walk every now and then on his leash. Kids love that. You should also take time to play with him; kids usually like playing fetch out in the yard, preferably with a good, sturdy stick. This has practical uses as well, as he can be trained to fetch slippers, television remote controls, and a nice, frosty “cold one” from the fridge. You also want to properly discipline the boy, also. For example, you can train him to do tricks, like to roll over, sit, and speak. And if he doesn’t goes outside to relieve himself, he should be scolded. If you follow these tips, your son will grow up to be a productive member of society. And if not, hey, at least he can get you a cold one from the fridge.
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| Ahh, good news: I was able to stop the spin-cycle feature on my Xanga journal. I knew that the "stop spin cycle" button was good for SOMETHING. I mean, nobody just puts buttons on their online journals willy-nilly (Note to self: remove "self destruct" button on Xanga journal).
Anyway, what a difference a good cleaning makes! I didn't even know that the grey background was just dust and journal-grime from multiple entries. As an added bonus, I was finally able to find my glasses AND my coffee mug, which I had previously misplaced (coincidentally, right around the time I started my journal. Odd, isn't it?). Anyway, now that it's sparkling and clean, I look forward to more eprops for my efforts. After all, a clean journal is a happy journal.
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| HELP! After putting my Xanga journal in the washing machine for a routine cleaning (you know, to make it fresh and shiny), I put it in the dryer and set it on "spin cycle." The only problem is that now I don't know how to turn it off. ARGH! MAKE IT STOP!! Woo, getting a bit dizzy... | | |
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